Today Chris was sick with an icky tummy. This past week Chris had mountains of schoolwork that meant even when he was home, he was holed up planning, grading and doing other paperwork. I’ve been feeling a little crummy for a few weeks, and a little extra crummy for the last few days. And of course, I’m set to have a baby in a few short weeks, so my back aches, sleep is elusive at night and calling to me all day, I’m emotional and just a plain old sinner.
So today had some things stacked against it. Somehow, I’ve made myself believe that Saturdays are a “day off” for me. Ridiculous, I know. Maybe it’s a holdover from my career days. That doesn’t mean that on any given Saturday you can find me sleeping past 7:30 or spending much time on myself, but my mindset is different than it is during the week. Since Chris is usually home and usually available (or I’ll know about it beforehand if he won’t be), I find my inner mommy receding a bit and let daddy take over with J as much as possible.
This morning when I found Chris curled up on the couch and heard his groans of discomfort, a bitter seed started to grow in my heart. When Chris didn’t get any better throughout the morning, the seed sprouted, took root and grew into a healthy weed. I was frustrated that my expectations of rest and self-directed time had disappeared in a tummy ache. I was mad at Jonathan for being a needy toddler who wanted my attention. I was angry at Chris for choosing this Saturday to get sick. I was disappointed with myself for being upset with my son and bitter towards my husband.
I am so grateful that my Father never gets bitter and angry toward me for my neediness or my inability. Today I needed his grace to parent and his ability to love my husband. Today, each time that I raised my voice at Jonathan or thought something ill-intentioned towards Chris, I felt conviction of my sin and was reminded that I cannot reflect God’s glory without Christ and the Holy Spirit. Sometimes I think God gives me days like this to bring me to my knees and to make me rely on him. Praise God for his infinite wisdom, and especially for his infinite faithfulness.